Do you ever feel like a fraud? Or maybe that you got a little ahead of yourself in an area of "expertise" and then you blinked and all of a sudden you're way over here when where you really belong is back over there?
That's how I feel today. With writing. It feels like I said some lovely and inspiring words, got more compliments than I maybe should have, and wound up way over here in this place where I stand, believing I can write books and teach people and merit some sort of anticipation from others of what I might do next.
What a fraud.
Because what people aren't aware of is the anxiety I feel about posting something worth your while. The dread I feel when I check back to see that no one has read what I wrote. The pit in my stomach as the days pass by and I have nothing to show for my writer-self. People don't see me sitting there in those few quiet moments, with a blank stare and an even blank-er brain space, with nothing inspiring, or even mildly thought-provoking, coming to mind to place out there in the world.
A fraud who's got nothin.
I was sitting here today, on this beautiful, blustery summer afternoon, with a babysitter at home and my computer in front of me, ready to write. Ready to do this thing. Because that's what I always say, isn't it? "The problem is I can't get time away from my kids." No, the problem is I'm not the writer I think I am. On the verge of giving up, I began to look through photos to see if there was one I could post on social media, because I'm losing ground on my posting timeframe in order to keep followers and stay attractive to all of you people. So I'm scrolling and nothing is clicking and then this:
This is me midway through the most difficult hike I've ever done;
and THIS is the writer I am.
Doing the hardest thing I'll ever do in my life--obediently walking into something I know I am too inadequate to do.
Turns out I was a bit confused because the writer I thought I was looked more like this:
Radiant, backlit, and full of the kind of effortless grace that makes you utter the movie title, "How Does She Do It".
But I guess that's the sad reality, isn't it? We're all depending on God to get us to that place where we can take over and press on without Him; to that place of finally being self-sufficient. It's true.
Jen Wilkin has written a book that is turning my world upside down. Don't walk, but run and get yourself a copy because it will right so many wrongs on how you view God. On self-sufficiency she says,
"But we humans are remarkably needy, a reality we are eager to conquer or conceal... we love autonomy and view dependance as a sign of failure, a flaw of some kind, a lack of proper planning or ambition. Christians, in particular, can interpret physical, financial, or spiritual need as a sign that God has removed his blessing from us because of some failure on our part... We turn from God-worship that should have resulted from seeing our need to the self-worship of believing we, like God, are self-sufficient. God, in his infinite wisdom, created us to need him. And he also created us to need each other... We are not needy because of sin; we are needy by divine design." (pgs 62-63)
And so the sun-lit, effortlessly beautiful Laura meets the sweat-soaked, panting Laura, and the winner in God's eyes, by a landslide, is the desperate one, clinging hard to Him.
So I guess I'm a dependent writer. A writer going through the unending process of sanctification. A writer who might not ever be back-lit but will always be pouring forth (worthwhile words) from a place of complete reliance on God. Jen also writes, "Sanctification is the process of learning increasing dependance, not autonomy." So a being-sanctified-writer, I am. While the words may sound lovely, the appearance of one such writer is not. At least not to your eyes or mine.
But what could be more lovely than fulfilling the call He has placed on your life from a space of complete desperation? We are so quick to dabble in the things we know we are good at; but I bet He has a long list of things He'd love to see you try, simply because He knows you will desperately need Him to do so.
"The kingdom of heaven belongs to the poor in spirit. Its king meets us and saves us, not in our self-sufficiency, but in our lack. Blessed are those who need. And most blessed is he who supplies all our needs according to his riches in glory. (Phil 4:19)" -Jen Wilkin | None Like Him
What is He calling you to, dear one? Will you follow, even through the sweating and panting and chatter to just give up already? He is worthy. Oh, He is worthy.