I had a thought yesterday morning whilst putting on my makeup--
when was the last time I did that thing I used to do to my hair?
It was this braid thing and I used to do it all the time and then, for some reason in my subconscious I'm unaware of and unconcerned with, I stopped. This revelation led me to another more serious one, which is usually how revelations go in my brain, and I found myself thinking of all the lasts in life.
The last time I fed M a bottle.
The last time I sat with my parents over a late night bowl of cereal.
The last time I woke up for a midnight feeding.
I'd say with 95% of our lasts in life, we don't know they are happening; which for overly sentimental people like me that's probably a good thing. I then began to think about all of the lasts I have yet to experience, like the last time I'll read to my kids, or the last time I'll send them off to school, or the last time they will sleep under our roof.
It's depressing, I know.
But what about the others lasts? The victorious lasts. The whole-and-free-and-alive lasts.
For all the things we do that don't serve us: what if there was a last-time for those?
The last time I self-sabotaged?
The last time I overate?
The last time I said those words to myself?
The last time I danced that age-old two-step with sin and traded my pretty shoes for hiking ones and trekked a new path towards the things of God and away from the things of my sin and flesh and failure?
There are so many things in our lives with lasts that are long overdue. We keep going back to our sins and our patterns of behavior because they are familiar, and if we are honest, the idea of being done with them is scary. Familiarity is a trusted companion but not always the best one.
As I continued getting myself ready for the day I wondered at what it would be like to not remember the last time I said those worthless and devaluing words to myself. Or how it would feel to have this life of comparison and "not enough-ness" be but a hazy, distant memory. While I realize that women deal with these lies long into their golden years, I also stand with my two feet firmly planted on the Truth that I have a Father who is in the business of wiping away desolation and bringing life to dry bones. So for me, I long to fight for my golden years to be just that: golden. And with very little memory of the things that plague me today.
Let's fight for some more lasts:
The last bow to failure
The last whisper of defeat
The final act of worship to the deceiver
and lets fight by actively inviting in more firsts.
What firsts do you need to welcome into your life? What new habits, behaviors or thoughts do you need to actively integrate into your mind, heart and body so that you can say goodbye to things that don't serve you?
The first gaze of self-acceptance
The first inhale of pride and love
The first memory made full of love and laughter without a sliver of self-deprecation
And once they're gone, let's not sit and ponder when the last time was that we _____. It's not worth the mourning.
What are the lasts you can't quite remember but you should?
The last time you initiated holding your spouses hand?
The last time you asked someone new to go out for coffee and get to know one another?
The last time you put away all of the to-do's just to play with your kids?
Make a list and then make it right--give yourself a memory to go with each so that when asked the question, you can give an exact answer of when you last did that because you make a point to do it often.